Straight outta bunker.

Straight outta bunker


I know you've been worried about me since I went off the grid a few months ago. I probably should have told you I was building an underground survival bunker, but I didn't want to deal with one of your lectures about "wasting money" or whatever.

Let me tell you, Hank, things have gone to hell up top. The 5G towers have finally activated the mind control chips Bill had implanted in everyone. Now, the whole neighborhood is like a hive mind controlled by Facebook. Old Man Peterson wears an Alexa hat that tells him what to think all day.

Of course, you're safe since you don't have a Facebook or Instagram or any of those thought-stealing social media platforms. But it's only a matter of time before the robots and AI realize propane threatens their rule. I know you think my bunker is crazy, Hank, but I'm telling you - it's the only way to avoid becoming a mindless drone controlled by Zuckerberg and his robot army!

Down here in my bunker, I'm safely cut off from all that nonsense. I've got six months of canned beans, a water purifier, and enough toilet paper to survive the apocalypse. I've even set up a ham radio to communicate with other free-thinking individuals who haven't been compromised. I tried to contact Bill the other day, but all I got was nonsensical ramblings about the Kardashians - his human mind is long gone. Even ol' Boomhauer's been turned. In the last transmission I got, he did yap about likes, followers, and selfies. Poor guy's human thinking's long gone.

Anyway, Hank, I just wanted to let you know I'm still surviving here. The impending robot takeover may have happened sooner than expected, but at least I was prepared! I know you think I'm crazy, but just wait - soon, you'll be begging to come live in the bunker, too, when Skynet becomes self-aware and terminates mankind. You'll see, Hank. You'll all see!

Stay strong, and may propane guide your way.

Rusty Shackleford
The Bunker Commander